Today we talk to Drusilla Faugh-Kinnell, our resident expert on table etiquette. Not the sort of manners we were taught in the nursery, like no leaning back in chairs, no elbows on the table, no chewing with your mouth open, no throwing food at other diners. No, the etiquette on which she is expert is the one that we adults should aspire to when invited to dinner at a friend's house - or indeed when having friends to dinner at home. Over to you, Drusilla.

Should I arrive empty-handed for dinner with friends? The answer is a resounding no. A handful of car-keys is not what we have in mind here. Always bring something. While diamonds and gold are always acceptable as gifts, flowers, chocolates or wine make passable substitutes.

Will any old bottle of wine do? That depends on if you want to be invited back. Vin de plonkeur will win no friends.

And chocolates? Flowers? Well, a bar of chocolate or a hastily gathered bunch of blooms from the garden fall pretty much into the same category as a cheap and nasty plonk. Effort is always appreciated, so whatever you bring must never look as if it was something you picked up at the last moment just as you were leaving - even if that is the case.

If my guests bring me wine should I open it? Only if you run out, or if it's better than anything you've got. If it's a lot better than anything you've got or ever have had, treat it with great respect by putting it away and drinking it on your own at a later date.

What if they bring chocolates or flowers? Unlike wine, the bearer of these rarely expects to see them again. Wine-bearers, on the other hand, expect to share the bottle with you, unless of course it's plonk, in which case they'd rather drink yours.

When is it acceptable to use a butter-dish as an ashtray?
Although most smokers have resorted to this at some time or another when either deeply distracted or deeply drunk, it is probably best not to do it at all. Passive smoking is one thing, but passive ash eating has never been acceptable.

Is there anything else I need to know? Yes, there is. A good dinner is just like sex.

What? Let me explain. The starter is like foreplay since it tittilates the palate, the main course is the act itself since it should take at least a few minutes, and the pudding - an explosion of sweetness and cream - is the orgasm.

And what about the washing up? That's like having to sleep on the damp patch.